Strange Encounter at Work

Every single job in the entire world comes with certain irritations, annoyances, and a degree of shit you have to deal with. More often than not the pay rate you are receiving is not worth the enduring of said shit. Alas, when faced with patience-testing situations at work we take a deep breath, slap on a fake smile and do our best impression of a well-mannered and responsible employee. We do this because we care about customer relationships and company reputation…LOL JK, our broke asses can’t afford to get fired. Over the years, I’ve worked in several retail settings where I have encountered cases that just boil my blood. Here are some examples:

1.       Customer: “Oh, usually I don’t have to pay here because my third cousin twice removed used to work at this company in Saskatchewan over 6 years ago…” That’s nice, your total is $6.45…

2.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “its (enter name)” *drives on ahead to window* Please lose the sense of entitlement and just tell us your order. Most places with drive-thrus have a boat load of regular customers, memorizing isn’t in the job description.

3.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “Uh yea, I’ve never been here before, can you describe everything on your menu in lengthily detail” Don’t be a dick. Come inside.

4.       Customer: “Uh yea, I see your sale doesn’t start till Friday but can I just get this item for the sale price today, even though it’s Tuesday?” No, fuck off.

5.        Customer: “can you cut this watermelon in half so I can see if it’s nice inside?” Me: “sure” Customer: “Oh no, that’s not very nice…” *Has you cut open 56 watermelons*

6.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “yea, can I get 13 separate orders?” Yea, can you maybe get off your lazy ass and come inside so the people behind you aren’t waiting for 15 minutes.

7.       Customer: “what’s in these chocolate covered almonds?” Me: “chocolate. And almonds.”

8.       Customer in drive-thru setting: *comes to speaker and shuts off vehicle* “yea can I have this and this?” Me: “sure come on up to the window” *starts vehicle ...KKKKKRRRRKKKRKRKKRKRRKRKKRRKRKR (really loud noise) Me: *collapses to ground and is now permanently deaf*

9.       Closing at 8. Customer comes in at 7:59.

1.   Customer on phone: “Uh yea, I know you close at 8 but is it okay if I come by at like 8:05? I just need to purchase one item.” Me: “Yea that would be okay” *customer shows up at 8:17 and takes their time looking around*…that gave me heart palpitations just writing that.

1.   Customer in drive-thru setting: “Uh yea, I need to see you variety of (put name of retail product here).” Me: “Ok, we have about 15 different ones, would you like to come in and take a look?” Customer: “Um no, can you bring them all to the window because I just got a pedicure and I can’t walk.” Ha…ha…ha…bitch PUHLEASE. I obviously did it because I’m decent at being fake nice but mercy me did I ever want to climb through the window, into her car, take her freshly painted toes and just take a sandblaster to them.

1.   Customer at drive-thru window *talking on their phone* Me: “Hi there, how are you?” Customer: *puts up their finger to me and continues talking on the phone* Me: “oh I’m just great Chelsea, how are you today? Oh I am swell, thank you for asking Chelsea!”

Those are just a few things that grind my gears. Now, I think everyone would agree that those are typical situations that all retail slaves encounter. Once in a blue moon, one will occasionally find themselves in a unique work setting predicament. I’ve recently found myself in a situation that made me question whether or not my job is worth this nonsense or if I should ask for a 300% raise. Here’s what happened:

So, I am working at a tanning salon and I’m working hard as usual (sitting at the desk and looking out the window, trying to guess how many times people have had sex in each car in the parking lot). The phone rings…

Me: “Thank you for calling, Chelsea speaking”

Girl *talking very slow and quiet and sounds like she’s in pain* : “Umm…sigh…yea…how much is your tanning?”

Me: “How long would you like to go for and which type of bed would you like to go in?”

Girl: *moans* “Like 20 minutes…”

Me: *tells her price*

Girl: *sounds like she’s constipated* “that’s not bad. Is it busy there right now? Sounds loud…”

Me: “it’s just the music. There’s two people so you can get in right away.”

Girl: “Oh two people? Maybe I’ll come in around six. How old are you?”

Me: *now a little confused* “25…”

Girl: “Oh that’s not too bad, I’m 22. Do you have time to talk to me?”

Me: “Um no sorry but if you have any other questions I can answer them when you come in to tan”

Girl: “Well, you don’t have to talk just listen…ohhh…awe yea…oh baby yea…I’m going to (three letter word starting with a C and ending with an M, not cam, not com)

Me: Made this face and hung up...

After I hung up I stared into space and wondered what the fuck just happened. I thought, maybe it was one of my friends pulling a practical joke but then I realized I don't have any friends. I thought maybe it was a computer practical joke website but then I realized she was responding to me with non-generic answers so it probably wasn't from a list of pre recorded sentences. I've never been involved in any form of form sex, let alone with a stranger...can you get diseases from that? I did get an ear infection a couple of days later. Does this count as rape? Should I feel flattered or violated? I'm not sure. I was so confused.

After the shock wore off, I rememberd she said she might come by around six. Realistically, she probably did not plan to come in at all but I pictured the scene from Home Alone when the Kevin knows the robbers are coming back at 9 o'clock, then when he was eating his Kraft Dinner, the clock dramatically strikes nine and he knows its go-time. My fate was to be decided at six o'clock. Was she going to try and seduce me? There's no way I was crawling into one of those tanning beds with her, at least not without a proper introduction. These are my lady parts and I HAVE to protect them (another Home Alone reference). I was armed with a pair of scissors, my keys and some tingly lotion that burns when it touched your skin; I was all set. When the clock struck six (when I looked at my cell phone and noticed in was 6:03) I was ready. Nothing ended up happening, thank goodness. I still don't know who it was or why they chose my voice to tickle their pickle to.

Morning Breath

Morning breath is one of my biggest insecurities, next to my armpit fat and lack of ass. I’m probably being over dramatic but I always picture different scenarios in my head of how my morning breath will affect my relationships. For example,

Scenario One

Me: “hhhi”

Significant Other (SO): “…I can’t see you anymore.”

Scenario Two

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *grabs Holy Cross* “IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST…GOD THE FATHER COMMANDS YOU TO LEAVE THE SOUL OF CHELSEA”

Scenario Three

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *dies*

There are many different flavours of morning breath, all of which I have experienced. I’m not sure what factors contribute to how your breath smells in the morning but in my mind I picture a very tiny and very ugly fairy that flies around to all the houses in the world and uses a wand to cast types of bad breath upon sleeping people. “I SHALL GRANT YOU…HORSESHIT BREATH!”

Pool Water Breath - It smells and tastes like chlorine.

Horseshit Breath - Smells like the shit of a horse.

Fart Breath - Smells like when you first open a bag of chips.

Rotten Vagina Breath - Not only smells fishy literally but metaphorically…how did this happen…hmmm…

It’s important to make a game plan to avoid these situations. Now, there are many obvious options like bringing a toothbrush or having gum next to the bed but discretion is what I aim for. I don’t need them knowing that my morning breath is SO bad that I need an emergency pack of the Dentyne Ice that’s strong enough to burn the enamel off your teeth readily available. Here are the downfalls of the more popular mildew breath fighting options:

Gum: I used to make sure I had my purse next to the bed of whoever’s bed I ended up in so I could sneakily and easy get to my gum without them noticing. However, it’s not so discreet when you are trying to pop the gum out of the package and its making a loud “CCCSSHHHHHH” noise, not only waking him up but his two dogs and cat who immediately sniff out the gum and come over to beg for a piece, making this the most un-stealthy mission ever.

Toothbrush: Impossible to quietly sneak out of bed and brush your teeth without him noticing, especially if you aren’t very familiar with his bathroom functions. What if he has one of those taps that has the strength of a power washer? You slowly and gently turn it on but yet it comes out 700 miles per hour, shakes the entire house, and splashes back in your face.

Mints: Okay, depending on the packaging, mints can be very discreet. They slowly melt in your mouth with minimal noise which is a positive. The only trick is making them accessible to you in the morning. I could resort back to making sure my purse is next to me but rummaging through it to find them may cause the bed to shake. This is when I came up with a genius idea that has only failed me once…

Mint Titties

I like to call my brilliant idea Mint Titties. Many bras come with the option of whether or not to have padding in them. These bras have small little pockets on the inside where you can insert or remove the extra padding. Seeing as I have more than enough titty to fill my bra, I don’t need the padding so I use this pocket as a mint holder. It’s fool proof; the mints are always on you so you can have them at a moments notice and accessing them is very quiet and easy. Figuring this out actually removed a significant amount of stress from my life, which is sad. I will always promote and defend my Mint Titties idea even though one time it didn’t work out…

Mint Tittie Fail

One time I went over to see my (at the time) lover for a sleep over. I liked this guy so I didn’t want him to suffer my morning stank. So, I stuffed my secret bra pocket with some round mints. We made passionate love that night but in the morning, we were making the bed and I noticed like 10 of my mints were scattered amongst the sheets. He picked one up and said “what the heck is this?” and I was all like “oh weird, I have no idea...is it a button?” When he figure out it was a mint I was like “oh ya they were probably in my pants pocket…” I couldn't let him know about my phobia and my weird way to resolve it. He’d first think I was a freak and then he would wonder just how bad my morning breath is and if it was worth keeping me around.

Worst Fear Come True

One day, my (at the time) lover and I woke up in the morning and then went about our day. Later on that day he told me, in front of my Mom, that I had TERRIBLE breath that morning. I was mortified. I wanted to leave him right then and there and live a life of solitude where I was free of the constant worry and sheer horror of offending people with my morning breath. I mean, he KISSES that mouth. That poor man. How could I bestow this upon him? My Mom thought it was funny and the next day, as a “joke” she gave me a bottle of mouthwash in front of him. Bitch.

Bad Outfit Choices

We've all been the victim of bad fashion choices. Some, we can get away with because it was trendy at the time, but some were just never cool to begin with. There are many possible reasons that may contribute to a fashion faux pas. Perhaps we were running late, maybe it was a dare, or maybe some of us just have no fashion sense whatsoever. Personally, I've made some really bad choices in the past. Looking at my pictures, I find that almost every fashion mistake I've made, I genuinely thought I looked good at the time. Still today, I get asked the question, "what the fuck are you wearing" on a weekly basis. I'd like to share with you some photos of some of my not-so-wise outfit choices. I hope you enjoy them.

 C'mon Chels. Are you in a gay male revue? Sweetheart, no. This is the present me talking to me in this photo by the way. What was I thinking? This outfit MIGHT be acceptable for someone with a rockin' body but I'm just average, maybe even slightly less. When I sit down that belly ring disappears in between my fat rolls like a oyster protecting its pearl. At the time this photo was taken I had recently lost a fair amount of weight and for some reason I started dressing like Cher.

Okay. I wore this hat from Dollarama across the entire United States of America thinking it was fashionably acceptable. Also, no those are NOT novelty glasses. At the time, I thought those glasses actually looked good on my face. The hat without the glasses/the glasses without the hat does not make this any better. I'm not exactly sure how I did not get beat up on this trip.

This is a maternity dress I bought at Wal-Mart. Personally, I fail to see what is wrong with it. I get a lot of stares. I'm not sure if they are trying to find the hidden object in my dress like those things in the newspaper or if they think I'm really sexy.

Okay. This is not a Halloween costume. Allow me to explain. Someone had asked me to accompany them to a wedding and I felt I needed a new dress. I was on a tight budget (I'm always on a tight budget) so I decided to see what Value Village had to offer. I found this beauty and thought to myself "WOW! This is unique!" It was a little tight in the anal region but I thought to myself "hey, just cut it and add some fabric. I had to have it, it was sure to impress my date. So, 8 dollars later and a few pieces of added material and I was all set for the wedding. When I got it home and tried it on my Mom, Dad, Brother, Cousin, Mailman, informed me that velour and lace dresses are not sexy. Yes, it was made of velour. I ended up buying a more suitable dress and used this one to create an Edward Scissorhands Halloween costume (seen below).

                                                         One word explanation: Hangover.

Kids, sometimes in life we forget to look in the mirror before we leave the house and sometimes we choose outfits that are pretty on the hangar, but look like authentic whale skin when we put them on. It's always a good idea to make sure your tits fit in your dress and that your fat rolls aren't accentuated by a tight fitted waist.

                                               First date. JK. 80's night; perfectly acceptable.

If I'm going to hang out at a friends house, this is my normal attire. I don't see the point in getting dolled up to just watch movies. *wonders why she hasn't been invited over to many people's homes*

Being warm is ALWAYS a priority over fashion. Danger does NOT take a vacation. It's always lurking.

Nothing about this shirt is okay. The revealed bra strap; no, just no. The pattern; please God no. The way my boobs are are sticking out under the black detailing; help me.

                                                               Oh for fuck's sake the hat.

                The only thing making this right is that I'm at a gay club. In fact, I am dressed rather conservative.

         Why did nobody inform me that my shorts made my vagina look 87 times bigger than it actually is...?

                  The Who may be cool but wearing their t-shirt with a striped sweater underneath is not.

                                                  Uh, yea. Nope, no, can't explain this one.



Until next post, please if you ever see me in public wearing something like this, let a sister know she don't look so good.