Morning Breath

Morning breath is one of my biggest insecurities, next to my armpit fat and lack of ass. I’m probably being over dramatic but I always picture different scenarios in my head of how my morning breath will affect my relationships. For example,

Scenario One

Me: “hhhi”

Significant Other (SO): “…I can’t see you anymore.”

Scenario Two

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *grabs Holy Cross* “IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST…GOD THE FATHER COMMANDS YOU TO LEAVE THE SOUL OF CHELSEA”

Scenario Three

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *dies*

There are many different flavours of morning breath, all of which I have experienced. I’m not sure what factors contribute to how your breath smells in the morning but in my mind I picture a very tiny and very ugly fairy that flies around to all the houses in the world and uses a wand to cast types of bad breath upon sleeping people. “I SHALL GRANT YOU…HORSESHIT BREATH!”

Pool Water Breath - It smells and tastes like chlorine.

Horseshit Breath - Smells like the shit of a horse.

Fart Breath - Smells like when you first open a bag of chips.

Rotten Vagina Breath - Not only smells fishy literally but metaphorically…how did this happen…hmmm…

It’s important to make a game plan to avoid these situations. Now, there are many obvious options like bringing a toothbrush or having gum next to the bed but discretion is what I aim for. I don’t need them knowing that my morning breath is SO bad that I need an emergency pack of the Dentyne Ice that’s strong enough to burn the enamel off your teeth readily available. Here are the downfalls of the more popular mildew breath fighting options:

Gum: I used to make sure I had my purse next to the bed of whoever’s bed I ended up in so I could sneakily and easy get to my gum without them noticing. However, it’s not so discreet when you are trying to pop the gum out of the package and its making a loud “CCCSSHHHHHH” noise, not only waking him up but his two dogs and cat who immediately sniff out the gum and come over to beg for a piece, making this the most un-stealthy mission ever.

Toothbrush: Impossible to quietly sneak out of bed and brush your teeth without him noticing, especially if you aren’t very familiar with his bathroom functions. What if he has one of those taps that has the strength of a power washer? You slowly and gently turn it on but yet it comes out 700 miles per hour, shakes the entire house, and splashes back in your face.

Mints: Okay, depending on the packaging, mints can be very discreet. They slowly melt in your mouth with minimal noise which is a positive. The only trick is making them accessible to you in the morning. I could resort back to making sure my purse is next to me but rummaging through it to find them may cause the bed to shake. This is when I came up with a genius idea that has only failed me once…

Mint Titties

I like to call my brilliant idea Mint Titties. Many bras come with the option of whether or not to have padding in them. These bras have small little pockets on the inside where you can insert or remove the extra padding. Seeing as I have more than enough titty to fill my bra, I don’t need the padding so I use this pocket as a mint holder. It’s fool proof; the mints are always on you so you can have them at a moments notice and accessing them is very quiet and easy. Figuring this out actually removed a significant amount of stress from my life, which is sad. I will always promote and defend my Mint Titties idea even though one time it didn’t work out…

Mint Tittie Fail

One time I went over to see my (at the time) lover for a sleep over. I liked this guy so I didn’t want him to suffer my morning stank. So, I stuffed my secret bra pocket with some round mints. We made passionate love that night but in the morning, we were making the bed and I noticed like 10 of my mints were scattered amongst the sheets. He picked one up and said “what the heck is this?” and I was all like “oh weird, I have no idea...is it a button?” When he figure out it was a mint I was like “oh ya they were probably in my pants pocket…” I couldn't let him know about my phobia and my weird way to resolve it. He’d first think I was a freak and then he would wonder just how bad my morning breath is and if it was worth keeping me around.

Worst Fear Come True

One day, my (at the time) lover and I woke up in the morning and then went about our day. Later on that day he told me, in front of my Mom, that I had TERRIBLE breath that morning. I was mortified. I wanted to leave him right then and there and live a life of solitude where I was free of the constant worry and sheer horror of offending people with my morning breath. I mean, he KISSES that mouth. That poor man. How could I bestow this upon him? My Mom thought it was funny and the next day, as a “joke” she gave me a bottle of mouthwash in front of him. Bitch.