Wisdom Teeth

I've been through a lot of painful things; emotionally and physically. These things include breast reduction surgery (the next person to tell me I slapped God in the face will be slapped in the face), turning several men gay, being kicked at recess for being a tomboy, leg wax after a long time of being single in the winter, etc. But, I've never experienced anything more inhumane than recovering from my wisdom teeth removal.

I was doomed from the first appointment where I made a bad impression on the oral surgeon and I knew deep in my heart that he would do his best to make sure I was in the most pain as possible. First off, I work approximately 50-60 hours a week between my two jobs; scheduling an appointment is like a penis...it is hard and sometimes difficult to fit in. I somehow managed to switch around some shifts so I could visit this dude for a consultation. Well, they ended up having to cancel and reschedule to a a different day at noon. I explained to them I worked at 2:30 and asked if I would be out by then. She assured me I would be. On the day of the appointment I showed up 15 minutes early, like most people do. 12:15 rolls around and I'm starting to get a little bit anxious. 12:45 strikes and I'm still in the waiting room. I can only watch their fish tank for so long before I get restless. It is obvious I am impatient because I'm tapping my fingers, sighing, and saying "fuck this" aloud. I finally got called in around 1:30 where I was put in a chair and forced to watch a video from the 60's about wisdom teeth. It was a crappy VHS that skipped and went fuzzy every 10 seconds and the boy starring in it had a mullet. As brilliantly put together this motion picture was, I got bored and stared out the window where I noticed it began to pour buckets. The nurse came in to make sure I was paying attention to the shit video and I told her I had to be at work in an hour. She rolled her eyes and I heard her go next door to tell the surgeon. When he finally came in to inspect my chompers, I could tell he was unimpressed with my "lets get this show on the road" attitude. He walks in without saying anything and goes over to the window where for like 30 seconds straight he just stares. He eventually turns around and says VERY slowly "Woooow...it...is...really raining. I mean...REALLY...REALLY raining...like buckets." What a fucking dick. I just politely agree and he says to me "now just relax young lady, lets not rush this."

The actual day of surgery was an adventure and a half. My appointment was scheduled for 9:30. At 9 I am on my toilet with the nervous shits. I had to eventually throw in the towel and leave for the appointment, wearing tribal print tights with knee high socks and flats and a t-shirt that read I DID IT on the front (I don't remember where it was from or what I did but good for me!) My Mom and I arrive at the medical building and in the elevator on the way up I was struck again...if I didn't find a toilet in the next 3 minutes I'd have a messy situation on my hands (and everywhere else). We located the nearest washroom but it was locked. I had to go into the doctors office to retrieve the key. How embarrassing. "Um yea, I'm here but I just need to make a quick massacre of the bathroom...be back in 20." No, I had my Mom get the key for me. The bathroom was smaller than an airplane washroom. I could drop a deuce and brush my teeth at the same time. I don't even wanna talk about what happened in that washroom. Ten minutes later I returned to the office and gave the key back to the nurse. It couldn't have been more than 3 minutes later when a lady came in and asked for it. That poor woman. I didn't have to wait as long this time. I got called in relatively early.

As I sat in the chair I became more and more nervous. I hate IVs. I told her I'd probably pass out when she put it in. She said "good thing your laying down then." She was wise. I liked her. She then explained to me that I would have laughing gas before the IV was put in so I would be fine. I've never had laughing gas before...I mean, I love to laugh and I have gas all day every day but the two together sounded terrifying. Boy was I wrong, it was a treat I rather enjoyed...

Nurse: "You are going to feel a little light headed from this gas" *puts it over my nose*
Me: "Why do they call it laughing gas?"
Nurse: "Well its rare but sometimes people can't stop laughing."
**I felt fine at first but after a couple minutes...**
Me: *cannot stop laughing for the life of me* "Holy shit I cant stop laughing"
Nurse: "Do you ever experience dizziness."
Me: "Yea, right now...bahbabhahbahbahbaha"
Nurse: *silent*
Me: "hahahahaah"
Nurse: "Now, your birth control isn't going to work with the meds we give you for healing"
Me: "Lady, look at me. I obviously don't have a boyfriend. I'm not getting laid. The pills are for regulation purposes."
Nurse: *silent* "Ok hunny I'm going to need you to relax your hand."
Me: *I take my hand and put it right in her face and move it up and down as if it were talking and in a high pitch voice I say..."buy me a drink first"
Nurse: *silent* "Ok, time for the good stuff."

...that's all I remember.


The first two days of recovery were fine. I thought it was a breeze. The third day to the tenth day was pure hell. I took a percoset but it ended up making me cry and then laugh hysterically at my the pattern on my Mom's Northern Reflections holiday sweater. Every night I cried out in agony, praying for death. I had enough Ibuprofen to put a gorilla in a coma. It was constipating me beyond belief. I could hear the toilet crying at night because it missed me so much. I eventually discovered that the pain could be eased a little by putting clove oil on the wound. However, this made me drool excessively; I had to wear a scuba mask to bed. If I had to eat another bowl of jello or soup I was going to throw a bitch fit. My mother is a saint for taking care of me through this. I hate everyone who told me it wasn't a big deal.

Strange Encounter at Work

Every single job in the entire world comes with certain irritations, annoyances, and a degree of shit you have to deal with. More often than not the pay rate you are receiving is not worth the enduring of said shit. Alas, when faced with patience-testing situations at work we take a deep breath, slap on a fake smile and do our best impression of a well-mannered and responsible employee. We do this because we care about customer relationships and company reputation…LOL JK, our broke asses can’t afford to get fired. Over the years, I’ve worked in several retail settings where I have encountered cases that just boil my blood. Here are some examples:

1.       Customer: “Oh, usually I don’t have to pay here because my third cousin twice removed used to work at this company in Saskatchewan over 6 years ago…” That’s nice, your total is $6.45…

2.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “its (enter name)” *drives on ahead to window* Please lose the sense of entitlement and just tell us your order. Most places with drive-thrus have a boat load of regular customers, memorizing isn’t in the job description.

3.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “Uh yea, I’ve never been here before, can you describe everything on your menu in lengthily detail” Don’t be a dick. Come inside.

4.       Customer: “Uh yea, I see your sale doesn’t start till Friday but can I just get this item for the sale price today, even though it’s Tuesday?” No, fuck off.

5.        Customer: “can you cut this watermelon in half so I can see if it’s nice inside?” Me: “sure” Customer: “Oh no, that’s not very nice…” *Has you cut open 56 watermelons*

6.       Customer in drive-thru setting: “yea, can I get 13 separate orders?” Yea, can you maybe get off your lazy ass and come inside so the people behind you aren’t waiting for 15 minutes.

7.       Customer: “what’s in these chocolate covered almonds?” Me: “chocolate. And almonds.”

8.       Customer in drive-thru setting: *comes to speaker and shuts off vehicle* “yea can I have this and this?” Me: “sure come on up to the window” *starts vehicle ...KKKKKRRRRKKKRKRKKRKRRKRKKRRKRKR (really loud noise) Me: *collapses to ground and is now permanently deaf*

9.       Closing at 8. Customer comes in at 7:59.

1.   Customer on phone: “Uh yea, I know you close at 8 but is it okay if I come by at like 8:05? I just need to purchase one item.” Me: “Yea that would be okay” *customer shows up at 8:17 and takes their time looking around*…that gave me heart palpitations just writing that.

1.   Customer in drive-thru setting: “Uh yea, I need to see you variety of (put name of retail product here).” Me: “Ok, we have about 15 different ones, would you like to come in and take a look?” Customer: “Um no, can you bring them all to the window because I just got a pedicure and I can’t walk.” Ha…ha…ha…bitch PUHLEASE. I obviously did it because I’m decent at being fake nice but mercy me did I ever want to climb through the window, into her car, take her freshly painted toes and just take a sandblaster to them.

1.   Customer at drive-thru window *talking on their phone* Me: “Hi there, how are you?” Customer: *puts up their finger to me and continues talking on the phone* Me: “oh I’m just great Chelsea, how are you today? Oh I am swell, thank you for asking Chelsea!”

Those are just a few things that grind my gears. Now, I think everyone would agree that those are typical situations that all retail slaves encounter. Once in a blue moon, one will occasionally find themselves in a unique work setting predicament. I’ve recently found myself in a situation that made me question whether or not my job is worth this nonsense or if I should ask for a 300% raise. Here’s what happened:

So, I am working at a tanning salon and I’m working hard as usual (sitting at the desk and looking out the window, trying to guess how many times people have had sex in each car in the parking lot). The phone rings…

Me: “Thank you for calling, Chelsea speaking”

Girl *talking very slow and quiet and sounds like she’s in pain* : “Umm…sigh…yea…how much is your tanning?”

Me: “How long would you like to go for and which type of bed would you like to go in?”

Girl: *moans* “Like 20 minutes…”

Me: *tells her price*

Girl: *sounds like she’s constipated* “that’s not bad. Is it busy there right now? Sounds loud…”

Me: “it’s just the music. There’s two people so you can get in right away.”

Girl: “Oh two people? Maybe I’ll come in around six. How old are you?”

Me: *now a little confused* “25…”

Girl: “Oh that’s not too bad, I’m 22. Do you have time to talk to me?”

Me: “Um no sorry but if you have any other questions I can answer them when you come in to tan”

Girl: “Well, you don’t have to talk just listen…ohhh…awe yea…oh baby yea…I’m going to (three letter word starting with a C and ending with an M, not cam, not com)

Me: Made this face and hung up...

After I hung up I stared into space and wondered what the fuck just happened. I thought, maybe it was one of my friends pulling a practical joke but then I realized I don't have any friends. I thought maybe it was a computer practical joke website but then I realized she was responding to me with non-generic answers so it probably wasn't from a list of pre recorded sentences. I've never been involved in any form of form sex, let alone with a stranger...can you get diseases from that? I did get an ear infection a couple of days later. Does this count as rape? Should I feel flattered or violated? I'm not sure. I was so confused.

After the shock wore off, I rememberd she said she might come by around six. Realistically, she probably did not plan to come in at all but I pictured the scene from Home Alone when the Kevin knows the robbers are coming back at 9 o'clock, then when he was eating his Kraft Dinner, the clock dramatically strikes nine and he knows its go-time. My fate was to be decided at six o'clock. Was she going to try and seduce me? There's no way I was crawling into one of those tanning beds with her, at least not without a proper introduction. These are my lady parts and I HAVE to protect them (another Home Alone reference). I was armed with a pair of scissors, my keys and some tingly lotion that burns when it touched your skin; I was all set. When the clock struck six (when I looked at my cell phone and noticed in was 6:03) I was ready. Nothing ended up happening, thank goodness. I still don't know who it was or why they chose my voice to tickle their pickle to.

Morning Breath

Morning breath is one of my biggest insecurities, next to my armpit fat and lack of ass. I’m probably being over dramatic but I always picture different scenarios in my head of how my morning breath will affect my relationships. For example,

Scenario One

Me: “hhhi”

Significant Other (SO): “…I can’t see you anymore.”

Scenario Two

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *grabs Holy Cross* “IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST…GOD THE FATHER COMMANDS YOU TO LEAVE THE SOUL OF CHELSEA”

Scenario Three

Me: “hhhi”

SO: *dies*

There are many different flavours of morning breath, all of which I have experienced. I’m not sure what factors contribute to how your breath smells in the morning but in my mind I picture a very tiny and very ugly fairy that flies around to all the houses in the world and uses a wand to cast types of bad breath upon sleeping people. “I SHALL GRANT YOU…HORSESHIT BREATH!”

Pool Water Breath - It smells and tastes like chlorine.

Horseshit Breath - Smells like the shit of a horse.

Fart Breath - Smells like when you first open a bag of chips.

Rotten Vagina Breath - Not only smells fishy literally but metaphorically…how did this happen…hmmm…

It’s important to make a game plan to avoid these situations. Now, there are many obvious options like bringing a toothbrush or having gum next to the bed but discretion is what I aim for. I don’t need them knowing that my morning breath is SO bad that I need an emergency pack of the Dentyne Ice that’s strong enough to burn the enamel off your teeth readily available. Here are the downfalls of the more popular mildew breath fighting options:

Gum: I used to make sure I had my purse next to the bed of whoever’s bed I ended up in so I could sneakily and easy get to my gum without them noticing. However, it’s not so discreet when you are trying to pop the gum out of the package and its making a loud “CCCSSHHHHHH” noise, not only waking him up but his two dogs and cat who immediately sniff out the gum and come over to beg for a piece, making this the most un-stealthy mission ever.

Toothbrush: Impossible to quietly sneak out of bed and brush your teeth without him noticing, especially if you aren’t very familiar with his bathroom functions. What if he has one of those taps that has the strength of a power washer? You slowly and gently turn it on but yet it comes out 700 miles per hour, shakes the entire house, and splashes back in your face.

Mints: Okay, depending on the packaging, mints can be very discreet. They slowly melt in your mouth with minimal noise which is a positive. The only trick is making them accessible to you in the morning. I could resort back to making sure my purse is next to me but rummaging through it to find them may cause the bed to shake. This is when I came up with a genius idea that has only failed me once…

Mint Titties

I like to call my brilliant idea Mint Titties. Many bras come with the option of whether or not to have padding in them. These bras have small little pockets on the inside where you can insert or remove the extra padding. Seeing as I have more than enough titty to fill my bra, I don’t need the padding so I use this pocket as a mint holder. It’s fool proof; the mints are always on you so you can have them at a moments notice and accessing them is very quiet and easy. Figuring this out actually removed a significant amount of stress from my life, which is sad. I will always promote and defend my Mint Titties idea even though one time it didn’t work out…

Mint Tittie Fail

One time I went over to see my (at the time) lover for a sleep over. I liked this guy so I didn’t want him to suffer my morning stank. So, I stuffed my secret bra pocket with some round mints. We made passionate love that night but in the morning, we were making the bed and I noticed like 10 of my mints were scattered amongst the sheets. He picked one up and said “what the heck is this?” and I was all like “oh weird, I have no idea...is it a button?” When he figure out it was a mint I was like “oh ya they were probably in my pants pocket…” I couldn't let him know about my phobia and my weird way to resolve it. He’d first think I was a freak and then he would wonder just how bad my morning breath is and if it was worth keeping me around.

Worst Fear Come True

One day, my (at the time) lover and I woke up in the morning and then went about our day. Later on that day he told me, in front of my Mom, that I had TERRIBLE breath that morning. I was mortified. I wanted to leave him right then and there and live a life of solitude where I was free of the constant worry and sheer horror of offending people with my morning breath. I mean, he KISSES that mouth. That poor man. How could I bestow this upon him? My Mom thought it was funny and the next day, as a “joke” she gave me a bottle of mouthwash in front of him. Bitch.

Bad Outfit Choices

We've all been the victim of bad fashion choices. Some, we can get away with because it was trendy at the time, but some were just never cool to begin with. There are many possible reasons that may contribute to a fashion faux pas. Perhaps we were running late, maybe it was a dare, or maybe some of us just have no fashion sense whatsoever. Personally, I've made some really bad choices in the past. Looking at my pictures, I find that almost every fashion mistake I've made, I genuinely thought I looked good at the time. Still today, I get asked the question, "what the fuck are you wearing" on a weekly basis. I'd like to share with you some photos of some of my not-so-wise outfit choices. I hope you enjoy them.

 C'mon Chels. Are you in a gay male revue? Sweetheart, no. This is the present me talking to me in this photo by the way. What was I thinking? This outfit MIGHT be acceptable for someone with a rockin' body but I'm just average, maybe even slightly less. When I sit down that belly ring disappears in between my fat rolls like a oyster protecting its pearl. At the time this photo was taken I had recently lost a fair amount of weight and for some reason I started dressing like Cher.

Okay. I wore this hat from Dollarama across the entire United States of America thinking it was fashionably acceptable. Also, no those are NOT novelty glasses. At the time, I thought those glasses actually looked good on my face. The hat without the glasses/the glasses without the hat does not make this any better. I'm not exactly sure how I did not get beat up on this trip.

This is a maternity dress I bought at Wal-Mart. Personally, I fail to see what is wrong with it. I get a lot of stares. I'm not sure if they are trying to find the hidden object in my dress like those things in the newspaper or if they think I'm really sexy.

Okay. This is not a Halloween costume. Allow me to explain. Someone had asked me to accompany them to a wedding and I felt I needed a new dress. I was on a tight budget (I'm always on a tight budget) so I decided to see what Value Village had to offer. I found this beauty and thought to myself "WOW! This is unique!" It was a little tight in the anal region but I thought to myself "hey, just cut it and add some fabric. I had to have it, it was sure to impress my date. So, 8 dollars later and a few pieces of added material and I was all set for the wedding. When I got it home and tried it on my Mom, Dad, Brother, Cousin, Mailman, informed me that velour and lace dresses are not sexy. Yes, it was made of velour. I ended up buying a more suitable dress and used this one to create an Edward Scissorhands Halloween costume (seen below).

                                                         One word explanation: Hangover.

Kids, sometimes in life we forget to look in the mirror before we leave the house and sometimes we choose outfits that are pretty on the hangar, but look like authentic whale skin when we put them on. It's always a good idea to make sure your tits fit in your dress and that your fat rolls aren't accentuated by a tight fitted waist.

                                               First date. JK. 80's night; perfectly acceptable.

If I'm going to hang out at a friends house, this is my normal attire. I don't see the point in getting dolled up to just watch movies. *wonders why she hasn't been invited over to many people's homes*

Being warm is ALWAYS a priority over fashion. Danger does NOT take a vacation. It's always lurking.

Nothing about this shirt is okay. The revealed bra strap; no, just no. The pattern; please God no. The way my boobs are are sticking out under the black detailing; help me.

                                                               Oh for fuck's sake the hat.

                The only thing making this right is that I'm at a gay club. In fact, I am dressed rather conservative.

         Why did nobody inform me that my shorts made my vagina look 87 times bigger than it actually is...?

                  The Who may be cool but wearing their t-shirt with a striped sweater underneath is not.

                                                  Uh, yea. Nope, no, can't explain this one.



Until next post, please if you ever see me in public wearing something like this, let a sister know she don't look so good.

Man Encounters

Throughout an adventurous woman’s life, there will be many men. These men will all differ drastically when it comes to things such as how much of an impact they have on our lives, how memorable they are, what phase in our lives we met them, how we connect to them, etc. Some men may be a rebound booty call that took our minds and vaginas off of that asshole ex. Some men may just be a random make out at a bar; you will never see him again or remember his name but it made for an entertaining story to tell your friends the next day. Perhaps some men have tried capturing your heart, and although it didn’t feel the same, it helped raise your self-esteem. When it comes to men, whether we’re the users or the used we either learn a lesson, gain a story, or get a laugh from every man encounter we face.

I’ve decided to go through my Facebook photos and look for pictures of my man encounters. I’m going to pick men who have not-so-much had a tremendous impact but subtle ones, as to protect the privacy and embarrassment of those close to me lol.

 

Okay, so. I have many weaknesses in life including but not limited to donuts, Toffifee, gay men, tickling, Taco Bell, and young boys in football pants. My close friend has family in the Michigan, who I like to think of as my family too because I love them so much. Included in that family in the young gentleman seen in the photo, in the photo. Yes, he is in high school...yes, I am 25 years old...yes, I purposely put my hand there...and no, I have not yet received a straining order. I hope to one day be a cougar and I feel it is never too soon to start. 

Umm...ok, lets see here. ,This is one of those pictures where you are just so happy you've captured the moment. This was New Years Eve (can't remember the year) and the girls and I decided to go to the Fogular. It was more like the Old-Fogieluar with all the old people. I clearly decided to make the best of it and danced with this respectful fellow for the night. He really made me feel pretty and special....HAHA.

I don't know the name of this man or where he came from. This was on a weekend student council conference in Sault Ste. Marie. No, he was not part of the conference. He was just a creepy man staying in the same hotel. However, he thought I was beautiful so I didn't mind him so much. I'm not sure where his shirt is or where his hands were headed but he sure gave me a confidence boost.

Here is another elderly man who has taken a liking to me on the dance floor. I'm not sure what is it about myself that attracts them. Is it the moth balls I stuff in my underware or perhaps the packets of Sweet N' Low in my purse? I don't know and I don't care because I love the attention.






 This man here I met at one of the most romantic places around, McDonalds. After a long night of bar hopping, the girls and I decided to head to McDonalds for a bedtime snack. We met this kind stranger and struck up a conversation. He went on to explain that he is not from around here and asked where he could purchase a hooker. I politely directed him to Drouillard Street but he did not feel like driving that far. He nicely asked me if he could pay me for sex. I thought about it but I had just eaten a McDouble, a Mchicken and fries so I didn't feel sexy. I apologized and told him I didn't do that anymore.


I don't remember this.


My blind prom date who I am 98% sure stole money from my purse and then left after the meal. I am not kidding.


I've always been attracted to men who like men. This drag queen told me that changing a gay man is impossible. It doesn't matter how many people have told me this previously, it doesn't sink in until a bald drag queen tells you this.


This man captivated my heart on the dance floor at my first American gay bar experience.


When I went to Vegas for St. Patricks Day, we saw that Shamrock tattoos were half price. Obviously, we couldn't pass that deal up. We decided to walk down the strip and ask 100 people if I should or should not get a shamrock tattoo on my butt. I thought if we asked this cop, he would be a for sure no and I could maybe get out of this deal. He said OF COURSE I SHOULD DO IT!


I met this gentleman at Coyote Ugly in Vegas. We were really hitting it off on the dance floor and he was extremely attracted to all my best dance moves; chopping the carrot, stirring the soup, tossing the salad, chugging the milk, etc. We ended up making out. It wasn't one of those gross sloppy make outs where the sweat form your moustach area drips into your mouth. It was actually a very nice one, built up by friendly conversation and clean cut dancing. He then told me afterwards he had a girlfriend and could no longer continue our romance. I'm not sure if this had anything to do with it, but I was so sweaty from dancing that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to dry my underware under the hand dryer.