Observations at Work

-Most customers at the place I work at tell me they are on a diet and need to check the nutrient facts of our products before they purchase them, yet they ask to look at things like cake and pie. They seem to gravitate towards the soups we offer, which are stuffed with salt, bacon, fat, etc. But they think that because it's soup, it's healthy.

-I have the ability to make screaming children be quiet. Today at work, I stopped about 4 children from crying by offering them free samples of cake. Their mothers looked at me like I was Jesus.

-Our debit machine has a sign taped onto it that says “insert chip” with a big arrow pointing to the bottom of the machine. 99% of customers try over and over to jam their card into the top of the machine; there is no chip slot on the top. Most of the time I let them try a few times and laugh to myself, then direct them to the bottom. Customers usually respond with, “oh, I'm supposed to shove it in the bottom” and it takes every bit of strength I have not to say “that's what she said.”

-The front door at work makes a super high pitch beeping noise while it is open. Most people are oblivious to this and stand half inside, half outside the door while they look at the flyer posted in the front window, the beeping noise contributing to my hearing loss the whole time.

-While customers are looking down at the advertisement on the counter and I am waiting to help them I see how long I can stare at them until they look up and catch me glaring.

-90% of the time I can guess what customers are going to ask for before they ask for it. It is a gift and it amazes me every time.

-I like talking to customers, learning about their personalities. Many of them are regular customers and its fun developing a relationship with them. Today one of my favourite regular couples came in and they usually buy spicy chicken breasts so I said “spicy chicken breasts are on sale today!” and they were pleasantly surprised that I remember what they usually buy. A little personal touch goes a long way.

-I'm not sure if it creeps me out or if I like it when strangers call me by my first name once they read my name tag.

-This is going to sound weird and I really can't explain it myself but when there are lots of boxes in the freezer, this cardboard-ish smell emits and I'm addicted to it. Kind of like some people love the smell of gas.

-I secretly hope nobody eats our free samples so I can eat them all at the end of the day.

-Some customers have trouble understanding that it is a better deal to buy a 21 pack of cabbage rolls for $15.99 than 2 packs of 10 cabbage rolls for $8.99 each. I'm not sure why it is so hard to understand this.

-Once upon a bad haircut, a cute boy who works next door came in to buy food and this is how out conversation went:

CuteBoy : “I like your haircut.”

Me : “I look like an Asian boy”

CuteBoy : “I happen to check out Asian boys all the time”

-I constantly dance and sing at work while stocking shelves, vacuuming, mopping, etc. Constantly.

-I once received a phone call at work from a strange man. The conversation went like this:

Me : “Thank you for calling, Chelsea speaking”

StrangeMan : “Do you still have chicken breast left?”

Me : “Yes we do!”

StrangeMan : “Ok, I am coming to get some soon. Do you know what I look like?” (he is saying this is a very creepy, what he probably thought was playful way)

Me : “Um, no I don't. I can't see you.”

StrangeMan : “Take a guess.”

Me: “Uh, brown hair?”

StrangeMan : “Yep, what else?”

Me : “Glasses?”

StrangeMan : “No, what colour are my eyes?”

Me : “Brown?”
StrangeMan: “Nope, Blue. I will be there in an hour Chelsea. Remember, the brown haired guy with blue eyes. I will bring you a treat.”

Me: “Oh darn, I am off in half an hour.”

StrangeMan : “Oh no, well next time then Chelsea”

Yea I have no idea who that was but it was odd. I'm kind of disappointed because I like treats.

-99% of the time I spill something on my uniform while on my way to work or at work and look like a slob.

-I used to have a name tag that said “Trainee” and some people thought that was my actual name.

-If ever a young couple comes in and looks confused, 99% of the time it's because they don't normally shop there but their parents got them a gift card for Christmas.

-Most people don't know how to eat a free sample without getting crumbs all over the floor and counter, which I am responsible for cleaning up at the end of the day.

-My favourite thing to sample is mini cream puffs because its impossible to bite them in half without the cream squirting everywhere and its fucking hilarious. One time a middle-aged lady in a fancy fur coat took a bite and the cream squirted all down the front of her coat and she didn't notice. Another time a lady took a bite and the cream went dripping, she caught most of it in her hand but half of it was on her face and she didn't realize. I didn't say anything because a) it's awkward to point that out to a stranger, b) it was so entertaining and c) I was challenging myself not to laugh in her face. I've also seen cream drop on crotches and nestle in moustaches. Funny, funny stuff.

-We used to have a juice machine with free samples of juice, but we don't anymore. It's funny to see how upset children get when they realize it isn't there anymore.

-Sometimes I get the cutest kids in the store. One offered me 8 million dollars if he could have the toy truck we have for a decoration. One little boy said to me “hey, you are funny. I'm funny too. So, I think we should close down the store and decorate it like a wedding and get married.” I almost took him up on the offer because I figured that would be the only time a man would propose to me. I had another little boy tell me he was in love with me because I gave him a free magnet. It's always nice to hear you are loved. I had one little girl who introduced herself to me with a handshake. She was five. One little boy pointed at me and in an angry voice said, “YOU'RE FIRED” so I said “okay, see ya” and I walked out the door and walked down the street. I ended up coming back and he felt bad.

-People come 20 minutes before opening and even though the open sign is off, all the lights inside are off, and the hours are clearly posted in the front window, they knock and yank on the door as if the store will magically open.

-I'm convinced that one night when I take the trash out, a raccoon or a homeless person will jump out of the dumpster and attack me. This is an actual fear of mine.

-Sometimes if I am working by myself and it is dead, I do sit ups in the kitchen.

-When a little kid is staring at me and their parents are distracted by shopping, I make funny/scary faces at them and try and guess if they will a)cry or b)laugh.

-When customers ask what kind of shrimp we have, I always laugh because I sound like Bubba from Forest Gump... “battered shrimp, breaded shrimp, garlic shrimp, shrimp rings...”

-I don't understand when people ask “is it good?” about products that are obviously going to be good, like apple pie. How can an apple pie NOT taste good? I'm honest when they ask for my opinion but when its about things like that, what do they expect? “No actually, we only use the apples with worm holes and bruises. We make sure not to wash the dirt off of them and we definitely made sure we scratch our ass and not wash our hands before their made.” Its an apple pie, of course its good.

-People like to complain about stuff they get for free.

GreedyCustomer : “Oh no, my FREE pizza only has 5 pepperonis. Can I trade it?”

MyHead : “Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't you send your “pathetic” 5-pepperoni pizza to Africa where it would be a blessing. Asshole.”

Me in Real Life : “Of course, no worries!”

-Some people who return products are hilarious. Some have legit reasons for returning (freezer burnt, weird taste, etc), but some excuses are ridiculous. Ex: “I need to return this french onion soup! It is watery!” Um, yea soup is usually of a watery texture. It's great when you politely appologize and offer to give them their money back but they insist on ranting some more. “It looks like sewage water! Its brown! Might as well just drink form the sewer!” Again, french onion soup is SUPPOSED TO BE BROWN and please help yourself to the sewer outside if you prefer.

-Sometimes when I am alone at work and it is quiet, I look at myself in the mirror and sing “I'm too sexy for my fleece,” referring to my fleece uniform of course.

-Many customers butcher the pronunciation of products. Examples below:

Quesadillas = Quest-a-dilly-as

Shanghai Beef = Shrang-ou-lah Beef or Sri-Lanka Beef

Spanakopita = spank-a-pita

Malfalda Noodles = Alfalfa Noodles

Hors d'oeuvres = Whore doves

Chateaubriand = Chant-a-brand

Filet Mignon = Fill-it Mig-non

Louisiana Wings = Lose-anna Wings

Chicken Kiev = Chicken Ky-vee

Nanaimo Bars = Ni-oh-me Bars, Nana Bars, Nom-mo-mee Bars

-We have a Show and Tell policy where we open boxes and allow customers look at the product before they can purchase it. I've had several customers ask me if they can “take a look inside my box.” Not laughing in their face is hard.

Thank you for reading!:)

Love, Chelsea

                                                               Picture of the Day

                  I die laughing every time I look at this. I mean, my face is a vision of beauty.

Resurrected Blog #1

So, I had a different blog before I started this one. I decided to start a new blog because I wanted to be more careful about my punctuation and spelling. I also wanted a blog that was more PG, but slowly this blog became somewhat inappropriate. I can't help who I am and how I write.

Anyway, I will post some entries from my old blog in here, beginning with this one.

Written June 18^th 2011

Tonight, I am writing you from my couch in my pyjamas on a Saturday night. Do not feel bad for me, I had plenty of better offers tonight but I felt this was the best option. I did however go for a walk with my friend Jenna in my 70's gym shorts and my graphic tee with a monster on it that reads, "OMGRRRR." Why don't I care more? Anyways, we had a nice chat about boys and such. It was lovely. I am wiped from last night's events, Relay For Life. I was lucky enough to be part of the St. Clair team. We dressed up as Super Heroes and I was adamant on being a dinosaur. So I was Curasaurus, the cancer curing dinosaur. If only it was a real breed. I wore my costume mask while driving around the city and people were looking at me weirdly, I wonder why.

I am in a music mood right now. When I get in these moods I usually find a song I love, play it about 10 times and then move onto another song that I play 10 times and so on and so fourth. Tonight so far I've been jamming out to You and I by Lady Gaga, Good Life by One Republic, Fresh Feeling by Eels, Almost Lovers by Fine Frenzy (I went emo for 10 minutes there), and Thirteen by Ben Kweller (so good).

So I've been watching all those wedding shows on Slice today and I found myself Googling wedding dresses, then I realized what I was doing. This isn't me. I don't give two toots about this crap. I don't even have a boyfriend for crying out loud. I don't want to choose between a sweetheart neckline or A-line dresses (oh God, I'm using bridezilla lingo). Anyway, after I realized I am being a doofus I asked myself "what am I doing with my life?" If I had a my dream boy and a stable job then I wouldn't feel so bad for Googling wedding dresses but the brutal fact is, I don't. It's probably a good thing anyway, as much as I was yearning for settling down a bit and being stable, I'm probably not meant to be tamed yet. I'm probably not even meant to be in Windsor. The longer I stay here, the more confused I become as to whether I am in the right place right now. Most of the time I hate it here because basically the only thing to do here is go to bars and I am almost over that phase. A lot of people here have a grim outlook on life or focus too much on lame drama. Then there are times when I will be volunteering or doing something of worth that makes me think that maybe there are more opportunities here than I think. I really don't know. So I applied for some cruise ship jobs and took a gander at some jobs out west. Most people tell me that this is running away from my problems but these people are just plain annoying.

SIDE NOTE: BRB...going to Greekfest with Mom...

Greek Fest was fun! Mom and I had some drinks and some fresh honey balls and talked about boys and life. It was nice. There was also a couple having sex in a porta-potty there so overall, successful night. Back to my blog...

I feel that if somebody is living in a place that they do not particularly like it is due to one of two things a) job  b) in love. Well, I didn't get the job I wanted and I am no longer with the one I'm in love with. So, at this moment I am having a difficult time justifying being in Windsor. I'm sure I will figure it out but I really hope I do soon. I could never leave my dog Casey anyway.

UPDATE

Well, since writing this entry I've become more okay with living in Windsor, for now. I've been volunteering for quite some time now with the Alzheimer's Society and it has made me a happier and mentally healthier person. The Society has even given me a few marketing projects to work on and I've written a few articles for the newspaper about my experiences. I've also starting becoming serious about competitive and leisure running. I've been in several races and have even placed, winning medals. I'm now training for the Detroit Free Press Half Marathon. I have a lot distracting me right now, until I set out on my next adventure.

As far as the relationship thing, I could not be further away from having or wanting one. I like it that way.

Love, 

Chels xo

Embarassing Encounter with Hot Guy at Bank

Written June 23^rd, 2011

Hello.

I felt the need to blog about the embarrassing-ness that just happened to me. Its nothing SUPER embarrassing but just classic me.

So I needed to go to the bank because I found this government check that I forgot I had and THANK GOODNESS I did because overdraft sucks. Anyway, I had to rush because I had to be back quickly so I could take my brother to work, therefore I put on not the most attractive outfit (note: even if I had time I probably wouldn't of put effort into my appearance. I mean, the only guy who works at the bank has a ponytail...enough said.) So, I was wearing what I can only describe as parachute type pants that are 4 sizes too big for me that sound like a diaper when I walk and an over-sized unfitted t-shirt that says "lucky fisters" on it. My hair looked like I just had it styled at the finest salon in the trailer park. It was hideous and I had NO makeup on, which normally I could get away with but I had some sort of trio of bug bites under my eye. So, now you get the picture of how un-sexy I looked.

Okay, so I get inside the bank and I don't like using machines when cashing checks so I get in line and I see him. The HOTTEST most beautiful looking man I'd ever laid eyes on working behind the counter. My heart stopped and then I realized what I looked like...fuck...my...life. So here is the situation. I was next in line and there were two tellers (hot guy and an old lady) and I'm thinking to myself "PLEASE LET ME GET THE OLD LADY, PLEASE, I LOOK HORRIBLE AND I CAN ONLY LOOK WORSE UP CLOSE, PLEASSEEEE LET ME GET THE OLD LADY". All the while I am flipping my hair, TRYING to look SOMEWHAT sexy/attractive because oddly enough hot guy kept looking over at me (probably because he couldn't see my pants over the counter). So then the customer that was with the old lady finishes up and starts walking away and I think "thank you Lord for hearing my prayer" BUT THEN she walks back and says "oh I forgot to ask you, any plans for the summer?"  She starts a FULL ON CONVERSATION with the old lady bank teller. Like, can't you see there is a line forming?  I start to get nervous and sweaty because I see that the hot bank teller is counting the customers money which means they are almost done. So basically its a race. Can this annoying lady customer finish up her personal conversation before hot guy is done counting money?  Of course not, its me and I have horrible luck. I hear the dreaded words come out of hot guys mouth, "can I help whose next?" I slowly take my walk of shame towards him and put my check on the table, all the while trying my best to be witty and friendly to make up for my horrible appearance. I learned, via name tag that hot guy's name is Ben. 

So, here is the conversation...

Ben: "got a government check there eh?"
Chels: " heehehe yep!"
Ben: "that's never a bad thing?"
Chels: "heehehe it sure is not!"

So then he is doing whatever on his computer and I try my hardest not to make eye contact so I can walk out of there with some dignity. So, I pretend to fumble around in my purse and I pulled out my glasses so it looked like I was actually looking for something and I put them on, mind you they are COVERED in fingerprints and he says..

Ben: "I love your glasses"
Chelsea: "they are mens glasses"   they are mens glasses? I couldn’t think of anything better to say? maybe a cute thank you or SOMETHING?
Ben: "oh ahaha well I'm not judging you"
Chels: "HehHJSIUAEHDI ok"  I made SOME SORT OF NOISE that sounded like a cross between a breech goat being born and a donkey laughing at a funny joke. Like, it was disgusting and I am ashamed of myself. So embarrassing. So then I just walked away, where I'm sure he watched me walk away because well I'm a young girl and hes a young guy...whatever. I'm sure he judged the fricken parachute pants I was poorly rocking. UGHHHHHHHHHHH... on the walk back to my car I said out loud to myself.."idiot..."

I can only hope he remembers my name from swiping my debit card and Facebooks me so he can see that I don't always look that horrible. Anyway, I need some more money so I have an excuse to go back. I hope he isn't there only a limited time because holy moly, he could make me sign up for enhanced banking services any day. He can deposit whatever he wants into my account if you get my drift there. I take away from this incident important lessons; I need to put more effort into my appearance even when running out of the house for only a second and flirting skills ARE directly dependant upon appearance. I am a much better flirt when I don't look like a man.

Despite obvious problems, I think we had a semi connection until he probably saw how much money I don't have and got turned off but whatever. I am definitely a BMO girl for life.

UPDATE:

Since writing this, there has been an ironic update regarding hot bank guy. A couple weeks after the fateful encounter at the bank, I was at the beach with a couple of friends. We were chatting about boys, obviously and our conversation went something like this:

Friend : “Yeah, I've been talking to this guy. He is so nice. We've been hooking up and oh my God he is so hot.”

Chels : “oooh! What's his name?”

Friend : “Ben.”

Chels : “Nice, what does he do?”

Friend : “he works at a bank.”

Chelsea's Head : “oh my God, it can't be the same guy. The world isn't that small”

Chels: “which bank?”

Friend : “BMO”

Cool. It was the same guy. What are the odds? I really hope my blog about him didn't make its way to him because that would be super embarrassing. I just figured I would never see or hear about him again. So not only is he ridiculously attractive but he is nice and good in bed...and off limits due to friend code. I figured I should stop dressing to the nines to go cash my pathetic checks.

Love, Chelsea

The "Why Not Phase" (includes a funny personal story)

“The only difference between a 'slut' and a lady is the amount of information they choose to give out about their sex life.” -Me

There is a phase in almost every modern day woman's life that they experience. No, I am not referring to menopause. The phase I am referencing is what I like the call the “Why Not Phase (WNP).”

Definition of the Why Not Phase : (hwi-not-faz) n.

a period of time in a woman's life when they are seeing several men, whether it be for dates, booty calls, or other forms of companionship.---Synonyms. Single Phase, Experimental Phase, Slutty Phase.

---Sentence. “I am in my Why Not Phase as I have a date with Jason during the day and then Tom is sleeping over at night. I hope that guy I brought home from the bar last weekend doesn't remember where I live and shows up.”

My thoughts on the WNP are simple: as long as you are unashamed of what you do, all the power to you. If you wake up half-naked next to a stranger and you can't tell your friends about it or you feel the need to rush home and scrub his scent and your shame off your body while you lightly sob in the shower, then its probably not the right time in your life to enter the WNP. I'm annoyed by people who feel the need to judge or make a fuss about the lifestyles of women in their WNP. Why don't you stick to worrying about your life and I'll live mine. Samantha Jones (Sex and the City) said it best: “that is my life and I don't have to justify it.”

Why do women enter the WNP? Well, there are many different reasons. Not all are good ones. I was always a one-man sort of lady with no game. Until I realized that these men were all dead end cheaters and I am not the kind of woman that allows myself to be treated that way. I decided that it was time to do a little exploring. I went on several dates and I'm not going to lie, I had a few adult sleepovers. How did I feel? Great. For the first time in my life I wasn't seriously crushing on a certain boy, wondering how he felt in return. Instead, I was meeting new people and experiencing new things. If a boy asked me on a date, I'd say yes without consideration. I figured I had nothing to lose, either it was going to be a lot of fun or it would make for a hilarious story. I have an infinite amount of respect for myself and felt completely comfortable. I didn't lead these guys on like an jerk. I made it clear to each and every one I was not looking for anything serious whatsoever, so no damage done in that sense. I wasn't doing it for attention, I wasn't doing it to impress anybody, I was doing it because I had no answer when I asked myself, “why not?” For couples who have only been with each other and are happy about it, congratulations that is truly amazing. It is not for everyone though, including me. When it comes to men I love being spontaneous and I love the hardships, the juicy secrets, the awkward situations, the mentally and physically passionate moments, the getting to know someone, the heartbreaks, the good and bad first dates, the first kisses, the how am i getting home? moments, the wtf is he doing? situations. I love sharing my stories and experiences with friends and reflecting back on them myself with a good chuckle. Most of my stories start off like this: “omigosh, it was so embarrassing...” and I wouldn't have it any other way.

To expand on the quote I opened with, there are women who go through their entire WNP undetected and there are women who feel the need to announce their one night stand roster to the world. Both are fine, that's your prerogative but be prepared for the consequences. Sometimes its empowering to have secrets with yourself. Personally, I am not one to regret most of the things I do (with the exception of sort-of recent encounter that ended my WNP) and usually when I have an encounter with a man, sexual or not, hilarity is involved. My favourite thing to do is make people laugh so I am completely unashamed to tell my friends my WNP stories.

Speaking of stories, I'd like to share one with you that occurred during my WNP.

I knew him through friends and have never thought of him in a sexual or romantic way until I was drunk and he romanced me by sharing his beer. I was at a local bar with a few friends when I saw “Raymond” sitting on the patio. We haven’t seen each other in several years so I sat down with him and we made small talk. He is BY FAR the most genuinely nice and most down-to-earth person I have ever met. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the recent break-up, or the fact that he is extremely good looking but I remember wanting him. Normally I am shy and subtle but I came right out and asked if he had a girlfriend; negative. Perfect. Game on. Okay. A few drinks and a couple flirtatious leg touches while laughing at something that wasn't very funny later, we were on the dance floor making out (I was one of those people I laugh at). A couple weeks later we are hanging out in his basement and we succumb to temptation and the several alcoholic drinks we devoured. So here we are in his bed, sans clothes. Now, I was born with masculine instincts and therefore I wanted to peace out and crawl into the inviting comfort of my own bed but a few things were stopping me; I was too drunk to drive, it appeared he was interested in cuddling, I didn't know where my underwear were. Okay, it looks like I'm staying. I have trouble falling asleep in other people's beds, especially if it is my first time sleeping over. We were in classic spoon position (him being big spoon, me being little spoon) and therefore my butt was nestled into his crotch area. I was just about to drift to sleep when I accidentally let out a fart. As soon as it slipped out my heart stopped and my eyes sprung open and widened as much as possible. Oh, my. GOD! Really!? Did I JUST do that? I just farted on his junk. COOL, not! I laid completely still. Maybe he didn't feel/hear it? He sort of twitched his leg as if he did though. This is something that is still considered unacceptable after a year or two of dating. He ended up calling me back and we've hung out a couple more times after that but still to this day I am not sure if he realized the horrible crime I committed on his package. Woops.

Thank you so much for reading! 

Love Chelsea!!

 This picture has nothing to do with my blog topic. I just thought it was funny. Look at all those goat butts!

Valentine's Day

So, we all made it through Valentine's Day. For all the single people, I hope it wasn't too depressing and for the couples, I hope it was full of disappointment. Lol jk.

I get annoyed how single people get all worked up about Valentine's Day, claiming they think its “stupid” or “unnecessary.” I used to say these things about Valentine's Day but then I asked myself, “WHY exactly do I not like it?” I couldn't think of a legit reason. It's not because I am single, because I love being and choose to be single. There are a few Valentine cliches I like to avoid, but as far as hating it, I'll save that for the bitter and desperate. Most people blame their hate for VD (Valentine's Day, not Venereal Disease) on the fact that they feel there shouldn't be one day for romance, every day should be the perfect occasion to let someone know they love you. Yes, I do agree with this but I am assuming most couples do romantic things for each other not just on February 14^th. I think of VD simply as a reminder to keep the romance alive and a great excuse to do something fun, not a designated day for romance where the other 364 days of the year are just whatever. Most people just need or crave something to complain about and VD is an easy target.

One cliche I do dislike about VD but I am sure MANY women would disagree is when it comes to gifts, I'd be pissed if I got any of the following: jewelry, flowers, chocolate. Unless any of these things were homemade or home-grown, these items are the most uncreative VD gifts ever. You can walk into any corner store, department store, or street corner and find this crap on VD. If we're going to celebrate VD, I want something from the heart. It doesn't even have to be a thing, maybe even a gesture. For example, last year I woke up to a box of homemade rice krispie squares and other assorted treats on my doorstep from my boyfriend (at the time). Of course he was too embarrassed to tell anybody about it and we broke up shortly after but I thought it was great. He always hated VD so naturally I wanted to make his room look like VD threw up in it. So I went to his house while he was at work and attacked it with red and pink heart-shaped stuff. That's probably why we broke up. Meh. Here are some other creative gifts my friends or other people I know have gotten their Valentines: dairy-free chocolate, scrapbook, butt sex, coupon book, cooked dinner, whipped cream bikini, etc.

There is also a lot of added pressure for Valentine's Night if you know what I mean. Personally, I find that when something is planned, it isn't as great as a spontaneous moment. I find this is true with most things: a night out, a birthday party, a conversation with someone, etc. Girls spend a ridiculous amount of cash on fancy lingerie that comes with straps, clips, bells, bear traps, you name it that men have no idea how to even take off. Unless you plan on doing some sort of sexy dance with it on, don't bother because it won't stay on for long anyway. I've actually heard some men say they are scared of lingerie because they worry about how to get it off without looking confused and therefore can't enjoy what's in front of them. However, I do hang out with mostly gay men so that could be why they are afraid of lingerie. Who knows?

You know what I miss? Grade school on VD. I loved how as an art project, we were to make a box for our desk for Valentines and at the end of the day, we went around and put Valentine cards or treats in our friends and peers boxes. I loved going home and looking at all the different Valentine cards and the personal messages written on the back of them. Well, one year I had a minor crush on this boy. I think it was grade 5 or something. Anyway, the only conversation I ever had with this boy was about Austin Powers and he said “want to suck on my zipple” in the Dr. Evil voice. When I was writing out his Valentine card I decided to write that on there as a joke. Then I thought, he probably won't remember having this conversation with me because it was a long time ago and I'm sure the only reason I remember it is because I have a bit of a crush on him. So, I whited it out and just wrote a simple “Happy Valentine's Day” on it. The next day I distributed my cards and then it was home time. I was at my locker getting my backpack organized when he came up to me and simply said “ew, what is this!?” He held out the Valentine I had given him and the white-out was scratched off, revealing the words “want to suck on my zipple.” How embarrassing.

I will tell you a story about my VD a couple years ago. I was in college and on the Student Council and our board retreat fell on Valentine's Day. We were going snow tubing in basically the middle of nowhere and staying in a creepy cabin. Now, not even a week before this retreat my friends forced me to see the movie My Bloody Valentine, which shook me to my core because I don't normally watch scary movies. So, its VD around midnight or so and were all chilling in the cabin when the lights start flickering and one of my friends put on a gas mask and started chasing me around the cabin. I've never screamed so loud in my entire life. My friend who was in on the joke even got scared and ended up slamming my fingers in the bathroom door, where we tried to hide. Later on, on my bed I found a bunch of cardboard hearts with the words “die” carved on them and in the middle, a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Except inside was a mess of crap which they tried to design to look like a human heart. To be honest, that was probably the most romantic VD of my life, knowing my friends went through all that trouble to scare me was really creative and flattering.

Anyway, whether single or taken, I hope you survived VD with minimal damage.

Love, Chelsea

oxoxoxxo.

                                       Me gagging at what I found inside my box of "chocolates"

                                                                This is what was inside.