Chip Crumbs

Lots of different things go into different people’s mouths, some are intentional; food, gum, drinks, tongues, the genitals of a loved one, etc. Some things go into people’s mouths on accident; hair, flies, hairspray, the genitals of someone else’s loved one, etc. I am going to share a story about an incident when something uninvited entered my mouth; and with my love of food there are very few things out there that fall under this category.

Well I was spending some good quality hag time with the main man in my world, Mark. Our big plan for the night was to watch The Help in his bed. We avoid being seen in public at all costs due to the amount of effort it takes for us to put on clothes and shoes and stuff. I decided to bring a little something to munch on; 3 big bags of chips…

 SIDE NOTE: What is up with the flavors of chips these days? Grilled cheese? Caesar salad? What’s next, a fricken party mix with turkey, mashed potato, gravy, and stuffing flavours all combined? If so, they better make a Pepto Bismol flavor too. Give it up chip companies. You don’t need all these fancy flavored chips to try and boost sales; chips sell themselves. I think I speak for the majority of people when I say I’d always go for a traditional chip flavor like dill or sour cream over shit like Extra Super Deluxe Loaded Chicken Fried Steak Supreme. Their slogan is, “betchya can’t eat just one” yeah right, I eat one of those and I shit myself for days. 

…so back to the story. We are in Marks bed watching this moving film, eating chips. Mark was pretty into the movie and I had purchased the kettle cooked chips which are the crunchiest, noisiest things to eat. I was carefully placing them into my mouth, letting them moisten with my saliva before I bit into them. Halfway during the movie I stopped caring and was crunching on those things like I was an obese fat camp escapee stumbling across a pile of peanut brittle. At one sad point in the movie, Mark turns to me bawling his eyes out “OH GOD. WHY? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?  SON OF A BITCH” while tears streamed down his face. I just laughed and continued eating my chips. I soon discovered I had made a huge fucking mess. I can’t eat anything without making a mess. I had a spaghetti night bib until I was 18 and I only got rid of it because my tits were too big to wear it. As the movie was ending, I quickly moistened my finger which easily allowed me to pick up all the crumbs and shove them into my mouth. I picked up what I thought was a crumb, put it into my meat hole and started chewing. I noticed it was very chewy and not breaking down. What the hell? I spit in out into my hand and realized it wasn’t a chip…I knew what it was but I didn’t want to believe it…

“Umm…Mark…what is this?” I put the “crumb” in his hand “I thought it was a chip and was chewing on it…”

“Chels, that would be my toenail”

OH GAAADDDD. GROSS. MOTHER FLIPPIN’ GROSS. 

We of course died laughing but every time I hear that story told, I get the willies. I always thought Mark would be my only guy friend to never get inside me. Wrong.