What is the
defining line between a good person and a bad person? Is it the amount of bad
things we do? Or maybe it’s the severity of the bad things we do. I don’t know.
What I do know though, is that normal people are made up of all the good and
bad things they’ve done. I like to think I am normal, therefore I’ve done some
bad things. I am keeping this list as PG as possible. Here are some of the PG
things I’ve done that makes me a shitty human being…
-One time, I was in Seattle with my friend
Laura and we decided to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. This was my
first time eating here and I was overwhelmed. The large food portions made me
more moist than the cheesecake itself. I had some sort of a salad; yes, I know
me ordering a salad is rare but don’t worry it had a bunch of meats and sour
cream and other fatty treats on top. I’m not even sure if it had lettuce to be
honest. Anyway, we finished our meals and got some cheesecake to take back to
the hotel. Well, on our walk back a man came up to us, stopped us and recited a
lengthy poem about how beautiful we are or some shit like that. After his heart
warming performance he went on to tell us he is a struggling artist and needs
money or food. We honestly did not have any money on us so he asked for our
cheesecake. We looked at each other in despair, looked back at the poor guy and
said “no, sorry.”
-One time I was having a secret romance with a
friend. I gave him a hickey one time (so grade school, I know, but it was
around the Twilight era so sucking and biting was cool again for a brief moment
in time). I remember the night after I had given it to him, a group of us
friends were hanging out and they were questioning him about it but he denied
that it was a hickey. They were teasing him about it saying stuff like “its
probably from a guy!” I just laughed along with them. Haha.
-One night in high school, a bunch of us girls
were hanging out at a friend’s house. We had just recently discovered that our
older siblings were cool with buying us alcohol. So, we were all wasted off our
half of a mickey of Malibu when we decided to go streaking. The hostesses Dad
was sitting on the porch watching us the whole time. Oops.
-One time, I was babysitting with my friend
Erica. Kids love me but I have little patience. Erica got an important phone
call and left me alone with the child thingy. I didn’t really know what to do
with it so I put it in the dog cage.
-When I was at a club in Cancun, I had to pee
but the line was MASSIVE. I pretended I was on the verve of throwing up, so
nobody wanted me standing behind them in line. They all let me pass them. I got
into the bathroom right away, peed, and was back to dancing on the bar in 5
minutes.
-I once peed in a sink because I feared the
toilet wouldn’t flush.
-I once wrote “Fuck” all over a school
playground.
-The time my manfriend at the time and I did
the nasty on our friends toilet and broke it. We didn’t tell him. (By “did the
nasty” I mean sex, not going to the bathroom)
-Whenever I would leave my house for a
late-night booty call and my Dad would ask where I was going I just told him I
was going to the 24-hour Golden Griddle for pancakes.
-My friend and I used to spend our nights “creeping.”
She would pick me up, we would go get some Starbucks and then drive by the
houses of all the guys we had crushes on. This involved some highly skilled
investigating and a phone book.
-I was once abandoned downtown Windsor in a
rainstorm. This wasn’t just a normal rainstorm, the streets were actually
flooded and there was a tornado in Leamington. None of the bars were letting
people in and I had to pee so very bad. I ran to Burger King which has closed
due to the storm. Rain was coming down in buckets and I was wearing a skirt so
I just decided to stand up and pee down my leg.
-In Grade 6, there was a popular boy who had a
crush on me. One day, he made me an engagement ring out of red pipe cleaner and
proposed to me in class. I told him I didn’t like him. I secretly had a massive
crush on him, but I was hideous and socially awkward so I didn’t go for it.
-When parents aren’t looking, I snarl at their
children.
-I used to make fun of people who work at
Starbucks because they seem too happy to be at work and I felt like they judged
me if I didn’t know how to order a drink. Now that I work there, I hate anyone
that doesn’t know how to order properly.
-When I was younger, I had a PennySaver paper
route. When it was time to deliver the papers, I’d deliver to all the people
who tipped me and then I would dump the rest of the papers in an alley. An old
lady caught me doing this in the alley behind her house and she chased me for a
block. I lied to her and said that the ink on the papers were all wet and were
bleeding so I was just leaving them there till I could walk home to grab a
garbage back to put them in.
-If someone in my house can’t find
something and I know where it is. I won’t tell them right away.
-I was once a volunteer for Alzheimer patients.
I would pretend I had an itch on my back so they would scratch it. It felt so
nice! Softest touch.
- In grade school, my friend and I baked
Valentine’s Day cookies for all the teachers in the school. We wrote random
things on them like, “Danny Tanner.” We didn’t really care for our teacher we
had that year so we put dog hair and fluff in her cookie and watched her eat
it.
Here is the letter we wrote the next day to the Father who witnessed us streaking.
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