Man Encounters

Throughout an adventurous woman’s life, there will be many men. These men will all differ drastically when it comes to things such as how much of an impact they have on our lives, how memorable they are, what phase in our lives we met them, how we connect to them, etc. Some men may be a rebound booty call that took our minds and vaginas off of that asshole ex. Some men may just be a random make out at a bar; you will never see him again or remember his name but it made for an entertaining story to tell your friends the next day. Perhaps some men have tried capturing your heart, and although it didn’t feel the same, it helped raise your self-esteem. When it comes to men, whether we’re the users or the used we either learn a lesson, gain a story, or get a laugh from every man encounter we face.

I’ve decided to go through my Facebook photos and look for pictures of my man encounters. I’m going to pick men who have not-so-much had a tremendous impact but subtle ones, as to protect the privacy and embarrassment of those close to me lol.

 

Okay, so. I have many weaknesses in life including but not limited to donuts, Toffifee, gay men, tickling, Taco Bell, and young boys in football pants. My close friend has family in the Michigan, who I like to think of as my family too because I love them so much. Included in that family in the young gentleman seen in the photo, in the photo. Yes, he is in high school...yes, I am 25 years old...yes, I purposely put my hand there...and no, I have not yet received a straining order. I hope to one day be a cougar and I feel it is never too soon to start. 

Umm...ok, lets see here. ,This is one of those pictures where you are just so happy you've captured the moment. This was New Years Eve (can't remember the year) and the girls and I decided to go to the Fogular. It was more like the Old-Fogieluar with all the old people. I clearly decided to make the best of it and danced with this respectful fellow for the night. He really made me feel pretty and special....HAHA.

I don't know the name of this man or where he came from. This was on a weekend student council conference in Sault Ste. Marie. No, he was not part of the conference. He was just a creepy man staying in the same hotel. However, he thought I was beautiful so I didn't mind him so much. I'm not sure where his shirt is or where his hands were headed but he sure gave me a confidence boost.

Here is another elderly man who has taken a liking to me on the dance floor. I'm not sure what is it about myself that attracts them. Is it the moth balls I stuff in my underware or perhaps the packets of Sweet N' Low in my purse? I don't know and I don't care because I love the attention.






 This man here I met at one of the most romantic places around, McDonalds. After a long night of bar hopping, the girls and I decided to head to McDonalds for a bedtime snack. We met this kind stranger and struck up a conversation. He went on to explain that he is not from around here and asked where he could purchase a hooker. I politely directed him to Drouillard Street but he did not feel like driving that far. He nicely asked me if he could pay me for sex. I thought about it but I had just eaten a McDouble, a Mchicken and fries so I didn't feel sexy. I apologized and told him I didn't do that anymore.


I don't remember this.


My blind prom date who I am 98% sure stole money from my purse and then left after the meal. I am not kidding.


I've always been attracted to men who like men. This drag queen told me that changing a gay man is impossible. It doesn't matter how many people have told me this previously, it doesn't sink in until a bald drag queen tells you this.


This man captivated my heart on the dance floor at my first American gay bar experience.


When I went to Vegas for St. Patricks Day, we saw that Shamrock tattoos were half price. Obviously, we couldn't pass that deal up. We decided to walk down the strip and ask 100 people if I should or should not get a shamrock tattoo on my butt. I thought if we asked this cop, he would be a for sure no and I could maybe get out of this deal. He said OF COURSE I SHOULD DO IT!


I met this gentleman at Coyote Ugly in Vegas. We were really hitting it off on the dance floor and he was extremely attracted to all my best dance moves; chopping the carrot, stirring the soup, tossing the salad, chugging the milk, etc. We ended up making out. It wasn't one of those gross sloppy make outs where the sweat form your moustach area drips into your mouth. It was actually a very nice one, built up by friendly conversation and clean cut dancing. He then told me afterwards he had a girlfriend and could no longer continue our romance. I'm not sure if this had anything to do with it, but I was so sweaty from dancing that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to dry my underware under the hand dryer.

Reasons Why I Am A Bad Person

What is the defining line between a good person and a bad person? Is it the amount of bad things we do? Or maybe it’s the severity of the bad things we do. I don’t know. What I do know though, is that normal people are made up of all the good and bad things they’ve done. I like to think I am normal, therefore I’ve done some bad things. I am keeping this list as PG as possible. Here are some of the PG things I’ve done that makes me a shitty human being…

-One time, I was in Seattle with my friend Laura and we decided to go to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. This was my first time eating here and I was overwhelmed. The large food portions made me more moist than the cheesecake itself. I had some sort of a salad; yes, I know me ordering a salad is rare but don’t worry it had a bunch of meats and sour cream and other fatty treats on top. I’m not even sure if it had lettuce to be honest. Anyway, we finished our meals and got some cheesecake to take back to the hotel. Well, on our walk back a man came up to us, stopped us and recited a lengthy poem about how beautiful we are or some shit like that. After his heart warming performance he went on to tell us he is a struggling artist and needs money or food. We honestly did not have any money on us so he asked for our cheesecake. We looked at each other in despair, looked back at the poor guy and said “no, sorry.”

-One time I was having a secret romance with a friend. I gave him a hickey one time (so grade school, I know, but it was around the Twilight era so sucking and biting was cool again for a brief moment in time). I remember the night after I had given it to him, a group of us friends were hanging out and they were questioning him about it but he denied that it was a hickey. They were teasing him about it saying stuff like “its probably from a guy!” I just laughed along with them. Haha.

-One night in high school, a bunch of us girls were hanging out at a friend’s house. We had just recently discovered that our older siblings were cool with buying us alcohol. So, we were all wasted off our half of a mickey of Malibu when we decided to go streaking. The hostesses Dad was sitting on the porch watching us the whole time. Oops.

-One time, I was babysitting with my friend Erica. Kids love me but I have little patience. Erica got an important phone call and left me alone with the child thingy. I didn’t really know what to do with it so I put it in the dog cage.

-When I was at a club in Cancun, I had to pee but the line was MASSIVE. I pretended I was on the verve of throwing up, so nobody wanted me standing behind them in line. They all let me pass them. I got into the bathroom right away, peed, and was back to dancing on the bar in 5 minutes.

-I once peed in a sink because I feared the toilet wouldn’t flush.

-I once wrote “Fuck” all over a school playground.

-The time my manfriend at the time and I did the nasty on our friends toilet and broke it. We didn’t tell him. (By “did the nasty” I mean sex, not going to the bathroom)

-Whenever I would leave my house for a late-night booty call and my Dad would ask where I was going I just told him I was going to the 24-hour Golden Griddle for pancakes.

-My friend and I used to spend our nights “creeping.” She would pick me up, we would go get some Starbucks and then drive by the houses of all the guys we had crushes on. This involved some highly skilled investigating and a phone book.

-I was once abandoned downtown Windsor in a rainstorm. This wasn’t just a normal rainstorm, the streets were actually flooded and there was a tornado in Leamington. None of the bars were letting people in and I had to pee so very bad. I ran to Burger King which has closed due to the storm. Rain was coming down in buckets and I was wearing a skirt so I just decided to stand up and pee down my leg.

-In Grade 6, there was a popular boy who had a crush on me. One day, he made me an engagement ring out of red pipe cleaner and proposed to me in class. I told him I didn’t like him. I secretly had a massive crush on him, but I was hideous and socially awkward so I didn’t go for it.

-When parents aren’t looking, I snarl at their children.

-I used to make fun of people who work at Starbucks because they seem too happy to be at work and I felt like they judged me if I didn’t know how to order a drink. Now that I work there, I hate anyone that doesn’t know how to order properly.  

-When I was younger, I had a PennySaver paper route. When it was time to deliver the papers, I’d deliver to all the people who tipped me and then I would dump the rest of the papers in an alley. An old lady caught me doing this in the alley behind her house and she chased me for a block. I lied to her and said that the ink on the papers were all wet and were bleeding so I was just leaving them there till I could walk home to grab a garbage back to put them in.

       -If someone in my house can’t find something and I know where it is. I won’t tell them right away.

-I was once a volunteer for Alzheimer patients. I would pretend I had an itch on my back so they would scratch it. It felt so nice! Softest touch.

- In grade school, my friend and I baked Valentine’s Day cookies for all the teachers in the school. We wrote random things on them like, “Danny Tanner.” We didn’t really care for our teacher we had that year so we put dog hair and fluff in her cookie and watched her eat it.

 

Here is the letter we wrote the next day to the Father who witnessed us streaking.

Chip Crumbs

Lots of different things go into different people’s mouths, some are intentional; food, gum, drinks, tongues, the genitals of a loved one, etc. Some things go into people’s mouths on accident; hair, flies, hairspray, the genitals of someone else’s loved one, etc. I am going to share a story about an incident when something uninvited entered my mouth; and with my love of food there are very few things out there that fall under this category.

Well I was spending some good quality hag time with the main man in my world, Mark. Our big plan for the night was to watch The Help in his bed. We avoid being seen in public at all costs due to the amount of effort it takes for us to put on clothes and shoes and stuff. I decided to bring a little something to munch on; 3 big bags of chips…

 SIDE NOTE: What is up with the flavors of chips these days? Grilled cheese? Caesar salad? What’s next, a fricken party mix with turkey, mashed potato, gravy, and stuffing flavours all combined? If so, they better make a Pepto Bismol flavor too. Give it up chip companies. You don’t need all these fancy flavored chips to try and boost sales; chips sell themselves. I think I speak for the majority of people when I say I’d always go for a traditional chip flavor like dill or sour cream over shit like Extra Super Deluxe Loaded Chicken Fried Steak Supreme. Their slogan is, “betchya can’t eat just one” yeah right, I eat one of those and I shit myself for days. 

…so back to the story. We are in Marks bed watching this moving film, eating chips. Mark was pretty into the movie and I had purchased the kettle cooked chips which are the crunchiest, noisiest things to eat. I was carefully placing them into my mouth, letting them moisten with my saliva before I bit into them. Halfway during the movie I stopped caring and was crunching on those things like I was an obese fat camp escapee stumbling across a pile of peanut brittle. At one sad point in the movie, Mark turns to me bawling his eyes out “OH GOD. WHY? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?  SON OF A BITCH” while tears streamed down his face. I just laughed and continued eating my chips. I soon discovered I had made a huge fucking mess. I can’t eat anything without making a mess. I had a spaghetti night bib until I was 18 and I only got rid of it because my tits were too big to wear it. As the movie was ending, I quickly moistened my finger which easily allowed me to pick up all the crumbs and shove them into my mouth. I picked up what I thought was a crumb, put it into my meat hole and started chewing. I noticed it was very chewy and not breaking down. What the hell? I spit in out into my hand and realized it wasn’t a chip…I knew what it was but I didn’t want to believe it…

“Umm…Mark…what is this?” I put the “crumb” in his hand “I thought it was a chip and was chewing on it…”

“Chels, that would be my toenail”

OH GAAADDDD. GROSS. MOTHER FLIPPIN’ GROSS. 

We of course died laughing but every time I hear that story told, I get the willies. I always thought Mark would be my only guy friend to never get inside me. Wrong.

Haircut Nightmare

Disaster has struck my life. I’ve been inconsolable for over a week now. I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the scars. The stares, points, and laughs I get aren’t getting any less traumatic; most of them from my family and friends. What happened you ask? I…I got…my…BANGS TRIMMED. 

How hard can trimming bangs be? Apparently it is a rare and lost art. It was a dark, dreary night and I was scheduled to work until 8pm. It was only a few days before I was leaving on vacation and I noticed my lustrous, bull bodied bangs were dangling in my eyes. I decided just to stop at the Last Choice Haircutters (it’s really called First Choice Haircutters but after my experience I would choose Michael J. Fox blindfolded as a first choice before this horrendous establishment for my next cut) because it was on the way home from work and I was in a hurry. I thought, it’s a bang trim, it can’t be screwed up. I could not be more in the wrong, even if I took up a job as a retirement home stripper. When I got to the salon, I told her exactly what I wanted and then closed my eyes so the tiny hairs wouldn’t get in them or so she wouldn’t accidently cut off my eyelashes or anything like that. She was doing a lot more scissoring than any previous bang-cutters of mine so I was mildly concerned but out of the goodness of my heart, I trusted her. Well, when I opened my eyes that good heart of mine almost stopped…

“what…the…FUCK…did you do to my hair you crazy bitch!” as I rip the hair-catching cape off in a fit of rage, throw it on the ground and smush it with my foot like a used cigarette. I then grabbed her by her head and shove her face into the comb cleaning solution, grab her scissors out of her hand and chop the shit of BEAUTIFUL hair all the while cackling like a fat witch. This is what I felt like doing. Of course in real life I told her it was fine, paid the five dollars and went to my car to cry. It was and still is a nightmare. It looks like the end of an old broom! It looks like a scarecrows asshole! It looks like the part of a tape roll that cuts the tape! It looks like barbed wire fence! It looks like fucking shit! When I got home I tried EVERYTHING to fix it. I washed it, a straightened it, I gelled it…nothing could tame this beast. There was a whole damn chunk missing from one side! My only hope at this point was a hat.

I NEVER should have trusted this bitch. I hate her with every strand of hair that she brutally dismembered from my head. Was she fucking blind? Did she have a hand tremor? Did I sleep with her husband? I don’t know but whoever let her cut hair should be punished, hard. Since this happened, I’ve been fantasizing about her in dangerous situations. When you lose something so near and dear to your face, it’s hard to recover without feeling anger and pain at first. They were my selling point. When I groomed them, I could really pull off straight across bangs which is hard for most women, but I could do it, me, Chelsea! They exist now, only in my memory (old lady from Titanic voice).

I really hope they don’t take very long to grow back because when I was up in the morning, they stick up vertically from my head. But for now, I will have to put on a brave (and ugly) face until they slowly grow back into some sort of publicly acceptable haircut.